if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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