that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
