Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize