My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
