and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Randomize
