Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Randomize
