Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
