I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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