We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
