Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Randomize
