am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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