you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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