You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
