Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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