i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
It was confusing and full of hummus
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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