I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize