I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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