If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
