you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
