i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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