i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
