im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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