What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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