In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
