Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Who died my cat blue again?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
