he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
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