omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
