Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I want her autograph on my taint
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
