it's too hot outside to masturbate.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Randomize
