Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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