If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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