at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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