Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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