so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
