your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Just cropdusted the office
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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