Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
