Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
