Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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