i think i have two assholes
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
