I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
