dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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