Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
