I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
