if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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