i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
