I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
