I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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