you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Randomize
