shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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