so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize