The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
