If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
