My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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