From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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