PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
