I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
True but thats because hes a fetus.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
