i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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