Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
