You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
