Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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