I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize