Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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