You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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