My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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