I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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