this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
