In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
