if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
