She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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