Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
