not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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