So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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