youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
