i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
