when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
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