dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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