and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
