New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
