apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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