im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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