Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
